Americage banda Putta

photoshop noob (click on the image for bigger picture)

2011-10-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

yeah i suck at photoshop

Mohalay

2011-03-29T14:15:00.001-07:00

Pardon my hindi

(Scene : railgaadi station pahuchti hai. Taufel sahab niche utarte hai.)

Simon Taufel : Gould Sahab ......

Ian Gould : Aaeye Taufel sahab

(dono ghode par Mohali ki taraf nikalte hai. Aur title music shuroo hota hai.

sath me titles. Dono mohali stadium pahunchte hai.)

Taufel : Gould sahab, Afridi ka khat milte hi maine socha aap ne mujhe yaad kiya hai. agali gaadi se chala aaya.

Gould : Taufel sahab, mai aap ko ek takalif dena chahata hoon.

Taufel : Haa, haa, jaroor. koi bhi kaam ho.

Gould : Afridi match haarne ko tayyar hain

Gould : lekin.. usko priyanka chopra mangatha hain

Taufel : Kaam kuchh aisa hai ki mujhe sirf doh (2) hi aadmiyon ki jaroorat hai..

(Veeru (Sehwag) and Yuvraj steal a hero honda motor cycle with side seat and then a song

YE DOSTI HAM NAHI TODENGE

TODENGE DAM MAGAR TERA SAATH NA CHHODENGE)

Yuvraj : dosthi toh chahe tode, lekin hero honda ka side seat nahin todega. ye fevicol ka bond hain.

(trin trin trin)

Ad Director : cut, cut.. kya bhai Veeru, phone kyun nahi switch off karthe

Veeru : Maa ka phone tha..

(Meanwhile Afridi and Pakistan cricket team is keeping a close watch on Indian Cricket Team. Our team, as usual is taking an advertisement break in between matches.)

Afridi : Hmmmm.... Kitane aadmi the?

Akmal : sardar.. do aadmi the.

Afridi : hmmm.. Do aadmi ? .... SOOWAR KE BACHCHO.. woh do the aur tum gyara.. phir bhi waapas aagayeye. khaali haath.. baaki nau (9) kahan hain? kya samaz kar aaye the?..sardar bahot khus hoga sabasi dega kyoon? DHIKKAR HAI ...

Akmal : sardar.. ye sirf hero honda ke shooting tey sardar.. sachin luminous batteries, dhoni mysore sandal soap aur abhishek bachhan huggies nappy pads ke shooting mein hain sardar..

Afridi : abhishek.. kaun dekhta hai re usko? aishwarya bhi bedroom main light off karde thi hain.

Afridi : match se pehle mera 18th birthday hain, sab ko steriods kiladena.

(Taufel aur Gould saab shooting ke jaag pahunchte hai)

Taufel : Afridi ko priyanka chopra chahiye.. match haar jayega

Yuvraj : namumkin hain.. woh meri girl friend hain

Veeru : intezaam ho jayaga

Yuvraj : kya bakwas kartha hain tu.. tumhara begum tumko, hamara begum Afridi ko?

Veeru : hojayega Gould saab

(Taufel aur Gould Afridi se baat karke sab set karthe hain. Priyanka, Yuvraj aur Veeru Mohali pahunchte hai)

Afridi : nach priyanka nach

Yuvraj : priyanka, in kuttonke saamne math nachna

Priyanka : (blushing).. kya boltha hai tu Yuvraj, main shaadi, award functions mein nachti re..

Afridi : bolo priyanka.. maza aaya kya

Priyanka : abhi nahi sardaar, main aapke liye dressing room me wait karthi hun..

Veeru : chal priyanka, main tujhe dressing room dikatha hun

Afridi : aye, tu nikal re Yuvraj

(Afridi dressing room chalta hain, electricity jaatha hain.. dus minute baad chillake bahar aata hain)

Afridi : suwwar ke bachho.. Afridi kaa naam (aur haath) poora mitti me milaay diye..iski sajaa milegi..baraabar milegi.. sala powercut, kya kya karvadiya mujshe.. priyanka chopra pooncha tha, lekin saala Veeru, Ashish Nehra ko bithaake chalagaya..

India squats pakistan by 10 wickets the next day. Afridi is still cleaning his hands with liters of phenyl

Father - Son - A cute love story

2010-08-25T13:48:00.001-07:00

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

"He's a fine looking boy," the man said. "That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?"

Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content.

Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?"

Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "Okay."

"My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd.

"He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is . . .

I get five more minutes to watch him play."

Todd shouts in delight, “Daddy look how high I am swinging”. The man looks at Todd and screams “Todddddd”

Todd loses control of the swing and flies in the air, hits a tree and drops dead.

Moral: "Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried." In this case, Todd is buried

Real Moral by Priyananda is not to use the Tree control in Swing (javax.swing.JTree)

Pulp Friction

2010-08-23T14:44:00.001-07:00

Pulp Friction.

Scene: Pyar Impossible “success” meet. Vincent Vega had just returned from a trip to Gujrat.

Vincent: You know what they eat for breakfast..

Jules: What?

Vincent: Jelebi dipped in Coffee.

Jules: Goddamn.

Vincent: I've seen 'em do it, man. They fuckin' drown 'em in that shit.

pulp ['p&lp] n.

1. A soft, moist, shapeless mass of matter.

friction [ˈfrɪkʃən] n

1. (Physics / General Physics) a resistance encountered when one body moves relative to another body with which it is in contact

2. the act, effect, or an instance of rubbing one object against another

3. disagreement or conflict; discord.

Priyanka Chopra stares in the direction of Jules and Vincet. Jules had never seen a woman as beautiful as Priyanka Chopra. Priyanka Chopra winks and shoots a kiss in Jules's direction.

Jules: This is Divine Intervention! You know what "divine intervention" is?

Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means God came down from Heaven and made her shoot a kiss.

Jules: Yeah, man, that's what it means. That's exactly what it means! God came down from Heaven and made her throw a kiss at me.

Vincent: I think we should be going now.

Jules: Don't do that! Don't you fucking do that! Don't blow this shit off! What just happened was a fucking miracle!

Vincent: Chill the fuck out, Jules, this shit happens.

Jules: Wrong! Wrong, this shit doesn't just happen.

Vincent: Do you wanna continue this theological discussion in the car, or in the greenroom with Ms Chopra?

Jules: She could’a winked at any nigga in this party! but no! she wouldn’t. God forced the lady to make that choice! We just witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!

Vincent: Okay man, it was a miracle!

Jules: Goddamit Vincent, I think she is the answer for a motha’ fuckin’ paradox.

Vincent: Whaddya mean?

Jules: She could be the unit of beauty.

Vincent: Chill the fuck out, Jules, She aint that good shit

Jules: If you wanna play blind man, then go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open. She is an angel.

Vincent: Jesus Christ!

Jules: Don't blaspheme! Henceforth, PC (priyanka chopra) is the metric unit of beauty. No more friggin' 1-10 scale or their likes.

Vincent: While you're at it, be sure to tell 'im how.

Jules: Do you see that ho’ across the table?

(points in the direction of deepika padukone)

Jules: that ho’ over there is about 0.001 PC.

Vincent: You mean she is 1/1000^th as beautiful as priyanka chopra? That's a swizz fuckin watch! That’s engine… nous.. whats the word?

Jules: Ingenious.. that’s the word. Her rack's non-existent for fuck’s sake!

Vincent: Ok man, you walk the earth’ with your theory. But daddy –o we got a job to finish.

Jules and Vincent start walking towards the producer/director cabin.

Cabin

FOUR MIDDLE AGE MEN, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with kebabs, french fries and kingfisher beer laid out. One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to REVEAL Jules and Vincent in the hallway.

Jules: Hey kids!

Jules and Vincent stroll inside.

Men Caught-off-guard are…

PRADEEP: The brown man, who open the door, will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner.

JUGALN HANSRAJ: A failed actor, now a failed director with Pyaar Impossible well on his way to become a failed human being.

UDAYN CHOPRA: Initially, famous for groping Shamita Shetty in a listless home production, he then defied all common-sense odds by continuing to book roles in his dad’s movies (ceding to his dad’s sexual advancements in the process) despite the lack of any discernable talent and a track record of making films that people actively avoid seeing.

ADITYAN CHOPRA: Adityan Chopra is famous for nursing a long term homoerotic crush on Shahrukh Khan. He was, then wasn’t, he was, then wasn’t and now it seems he is boyfriend of Rani Mukherjee.

Jules: Hey, keep chillin'. You know who we are? We're associates of your business partner – The Audience. You do remember your business partner don't you? Let me take a wild guess here. You're Adityan, right?

Adityan: Yeah.

Jules: I thought so. You remember your business partner –The Audience, don't you, Adityan?

Adityan: Yeah, yeah, I remember them.

Jules: [pointing to JUGALN HANSRAJ] You, why don't you tell my man Vince where you got the shit hid at?

Pradeep: It's over there, by the...

(Jules is talking about the box-office collection of the movie)

Jules: I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing!

Jugal Hansraj: Its under the bed.

Vincent moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase.

Vincent: Got it.

Jules: We happy?

Vincent: ….

Jules: We happy Vincent?

Vincent: We’re happy.

Adityan: I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and Mr. Audience. We swear we will never make a movie again.

As Adityan talks, Jules takes out his gun and SHOOTS Jugaln Hansraj three times in the chest, BLOWING him out of his chair.

Vince smiles to himself. Jules has got style.

Adityan has just shit his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

Jules: Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "not making any movies"

Adityan cant say a word

Jules: What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. You will never make a movie again. You will never talk about Punjab EVER AGAIN.

Adityan: What?

Jules: What country are you from?

Adityan: What? What? Wh - ?

Jules: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?

Adityan: What?

Jules: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Adityan: Yes! Yes!

Jules: Then you know what I'm sayin'!

Adityan: Yes!

Jules: Say you will never make a movie again and never think Mr Audience is your bitch.

Adityan: What?

Jules takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel HARD in Adityan's cheek.

Jules: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

Jules: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

Gun Shots are Fired.

Vincent turns towards Udayn Chopra.

Vincent: Run along, you got no producer to act. You are neutralized.

Avvai Shanmugha

2010-02-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

The first time I looked at avar, he was neatly dressed in white shirt and grey pants drinking at periyappan coffee bar. He looked so handsome with gold chain and Bata leather sandals. Since I have been seeing the advertisement I always wanted my avar to wear Bata leather sandals, only that 229.95 rs one and not 149.95 rs one. I did not like the creases on his shirt though, he should get it ironed from murugesan istri, appa always get it done from there, though amma wants to do it herself.

He was swalpam karupu than me, but very handsome. I didn't know how chittappa and Poobalan Velliyappan uncle will accept him though. They always think guys wearing grey pants have loose morals.

Then I introduced myself to my avar, though I wasn't keen on the idea, Ambalika Chittamma thought it would be good way for young couple to meet. Her close friend Meera saw this in Alaipayuthe and convinced Ambalika Chittamma who inturn convinced herself that every "would be couple" meeting in Krishnaperiyar Armugam Iyer family has to be this way. Father objected, but Ambalika Chittamma made excellent pongal and gave a spoonful to appa. Chittamma allowed appa to lick the bowl only after he agreed to the idea. I also wanted the way appa wanted, as I had practiced arahonam raaga 17 times a day since a month and I wanted to sing when avar visited me.

But anyways, past is past and Aravind Swamy (my caste) is better than Surya (other caste), so here I am, staring at my avar drinking his coffee. I hope avar accepts me as his wife, so that he could be my second husband as I am married to Lord Krishnan since 8 janamas.

Lakshmishree: Hello Shanmugha
Shanmugha: Hello Lakshmi

Lakshmishree: So how was your life in Madras IIT? You stayed atleast 7 rooms from the nonveg eaters right?
Shanmugha: You are mistaken, I studied at IIIT Hyderabad.

Lakshmishree: You didnot study at Madras IIT? Thyagaraja Uncle told me you did, that is why only I agreed to meet you and have filter coffee. Ayyo, if only I had known this I would have stayed at home for my Tutukudi Sambashivam voilin class. Krishnan, Krishnan, why do you test me so much?
Shanmugha: I am sorry Lakshmi, there must have been a misunderstanding. You know the other thing too right?

Lakshmishree: idu romba bad Krishnan, you shouldn't test me like this. What is the other thing you wanted to tell me?

Shanmugha: I was born Shanmughi.

Wake Up-Yours Sid

2009-09-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

I happen to watch this trailer some two weeks back while watching Kaminey. I had to get it out of the body.

Have you ever seen what a 50 caliber will do to a man’s brain Sid? Now that you should see. What a 50 caliber will do to a man’s brain that you should see. Ever heard “Bheja Fry” Sid? Ha? Heard of it? You would know now. You know what? 50 caliber and your brain, it will be “Cannibal Holocaust” all over again. Rest assured nobody will ever shout “Wake Up Sid” anyfuckinmore.

Hey jive-ass-maricon-motherfucker for makers of the movie, nobody gives a rats ass if you rich wannabe butt-sucking-zombie assholes wake up or not. NOBODY GIVES A DAMN! GET IT? SID CAN SHOVE THAT SHOE UP HIS ASS ALL THE WAY TO HIS MOUTH AND BACK TEN FUCKIN TIMES A DAY AND DIE. SID CAN ALSO.... SING A DUET IN AN HELICOPTER OVER SWIZZ ALPS AND FORNICATE WITH THE SHOE. NO wait, few lice-infested dollop of odious maggot brains might like it. Stop shoving up our throats your pea-brained drum of constipated vomit for movies.

Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.

Ah! I feel better.

Election

2009-04-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

ಧರ್ಮವು ಸಣ್ಣಥೆಯ ಕಲಿಸಿದರೆ,
ಕವಲುಗಾರನು ಸೆರೆಮನೆಗೆ;
ಒಳ್ಳೆಯತನವು ತೂಕಡಿಸಿದರೆ,
ದೋಚುವ ಚೋರನು ಪಾರ್ಲಿಮೆಂಟ್ ಗೆ;

ಒಳ್ಳೆ ಜನರು ಭೂಮಿ ಮೇಲೆ ಪ್ರತಿದಿನವು ಹುಟ್ಟೋದಿಲ್ಲ,
ಹೊರಾಡೋರು ಸದಾಕಾಲ ಸತ್ತವರಂತೆ ಬಾಳೋದಿಲ್ಲ.

Mole

2009-04-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

23 yrs ago, Central Tiffin Room (C.T.R.) Malleshwaram, Bangalore (Bangalore then)

Ajay Mallya (Voice Over, thereafter, V.O.)

I don't want to be a product of my environment. I don't even want my environment to be a product of me. I just want the environment to drink my beer.

Red bus heads towards 18th cross, making a screeching noise. Waiters are taking orders, serving food and cleaning tables. The towels have stains of every masal dose ever made and every cup of sambar ever served.

A Waiter shouts: aaru beNNe masale, nalakk plate idly, mooru plate kesaribath, nalakk plate chitranna, eradu plate bajji, eradu plate karabath, moor plate chowchowbath, mooru bisebeLe bath, aidu iruLLi dose with extra i r u L L i

Mallya: Waiter, one coffee and one chowchowbath.

Starts reading newspaper, "Juhi Hawala debuts in Kannada movies and is in town to promote the same". Mallya immediately turns towards his driver and shows the paper and signals. Driver walks away.

Waiter serves his likings and Mallya turns towards the cashier.

Mallya: Juhi Hawala's developed into one fine young lady, the last time I met her at a pageant couple of years back, I thought she was a tad too young, but now, she's perfect.

The Cashier nods and is uneasy as Mallya sips his coffee.

a rubber ball rolls into the hotel and near Mallya's leg, seemingly from the ground opposite to it.

A thin, lanky young man enters the hotel and walks upto Mallya's table, seemingly to retrieve the ball. Mallya looks at the boy.

The boy looks famished

Mallya turns towards the cashier and signals food for the boy.

Mallya: Sit down young man.

Boy: Sir, ball's next your leg.

Mallya: (displeased) Can't be

Boy: Sir, it is. Please look down

Mallya: Oh, you were talking about the cricket ball. (heaves a sigh of relief)

Boy's food arrives at the table

Mallya: What's your name son?

Boy: Venkatesh Prasad.

Outside. People are swarming Mallya's car, some shout they can see Juhi Hawla sitting inside.

(To be continued....)

Free Fall

2009-02-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

five minutes

this is it, ground zero

Its been long long time since I went on a giant wheel

just can’t get my mind on anything

If you are seated in an emergency exit row

and would be unable or unwilling
to perform the duties

listed on the safety card, please
ask a flight attendant to reseat you.

Me: Can I not fasten the seat belt please
Heidi Klum: Yes, whatever you want darling

Reshma: No, safety first

Flight Number 7651 is ready to take off

Ha.. the David Gilmour guitar solo

Don’t shoot, Don’t shoot… alright Shoot.

I cant take the giant wheel spin

facilitate the process of transition

Person 1: Giant Wheels are fun. What do you do?
Me: Why are you asking this question? So that you can act interested?

Cut the crap, stop moving the laptop

Me: Sir, do you think sky diving is safe?
Instructor: Yes very much

10800 ft in middle air

Me: When do you pull the string of the parachute?
Instructor: What parachute?

9120ft

IndexOutOfBoundsException

In the left lane at 130Mph
Person2: This is America idiot, what the fuck are u doin?
Me: it takes time for me to adjust to cultural differences

Red Blue Pink Red Purple Yellow Green Green Purple Pink Brown

7110 ft

This is your flight captain; it a wonderful day outside, temp is 72 degrees

Heidi: Sir, would you like to have something?
Me: Can I have a coke please?
Heidi: Freebase or Crack?

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

A whopper of a puzzle piece falls smack in my lap

*An hour earlier*
“Dude, rolling up the last joint”
Me: coming.

Civil War

2009-02-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

1:00PM - An idyllic Sunday Afternoon in ChikkamagaLur, family sits down to have lunch. News Flash on TV

***Rajajinagar residents welcome Military Tanks from the US government which are en-route towards Basaveshwaranagar. Thousands line up with Buckets and Vessels thinking they are water tanks. US Army Captain has a tough time in clearing the mob***

*TV Reporter Starts Reading the news* (Ravi BeLegere is in the news room)

Laydies and my Dear Gentlemen – My dear friends, I am very sorry to say this aadre reports are coming in from only one direction (here)http://priyananda.blogspot.com/2009/02/war-on-basaveshwarnagar.html, that the holy land of Basaveshwaranagar, is being attacked by Rajajinagar with allies from west

Basaveshwaranagar residents ivattu beLigge democracy na suspend maadi they appointed one man to defend them, a myan who needs absolutely needs all introduction.. introduction .. uction (the boy will henceforth be referred to as Namma Huduga)

Avanu andu chikka huDuga agidda, he was a small baay then. Aaga, ondu dina, Alexander the great aa chikka huDuganna beTi aada. aa chikka huDuga avaaga simhada jote aaTavaDutha idda. Simha andre sahasa simha Vishnu saar alla, nijavada lion. By the by my dear viewers, Alexander the great yaake heNN makkaLa skirt tarah baTTe haakotha idda gotta? avanige sHoki maaDodu andre bahaLa isTa. coming back to the chikka huDuga, Alexander tanna katti yannu aa huDagana paadada baLi ittu horaTehoda. He was never ever seen again.

*They change the channel* 2 hours passes by

*Go back to the channel again*

My dear viewers, I m very hyappy to say this, the potential disaster has been averted. Dialogue king Sai Kumar ravru Maatru Nursing Home nalli “moorne class manja, bcom bhagya and karnaTaka police” chitradalli naTisudakke banDiddaru. Namma HuDuga, avarannu karedkonDu Rajajinagarada kaDege horaTe biTTa.

**camera swirls all around, empty corridors are zoomed in and out continuously**

Inella, banni veekshakare noDiye theeroNa.

*TAN TAN TAN* Sai and Namma HuDuga take on Rajajinagar residents and US Military face to face near BasHyam circle *

Sai Kumar to Rajajinagar residents: gandhi swatantra tandukoTTa, adanna neevu gaanDugaL tarah upayogisikoLtha, kole, sulige atyacharagaLna maaDi, swaccha vagidda nam desHa na tippe gunDi maadi, asTe yaake par para antha kerkontha, bow bow anta baDkontha iddeerallo balls, lo**e ke balls! yake? Yake yake? Yake yake yake? Common tell me tell me tell me.

**Obama thinking Sai’s mobile is a compact nuclear device, charges towards him* Namma HuDuga comes in between Sai and Obama**

Obama takes his gun out, and started running towards "Namma HuDuga". But although Obama was running as fast as he could, he couldn't catch up with " Namma HuDuga " who was walking calmly. "The Blessed One willed a feat of psychic power such that Obama, though running with all his might, could not catch up with the Blessed One walking at normal pace".

This bewildered Obama so much that he called to "Namma HuDuga" to stop. "Namma HuDuga" said that he himself had already stopped, and that it was Obama who should stop. Obama asked for further explanation, after which "Namma HuDuga" said that was not harming living beings, and that Obama was still harming and hurting living beings.

Obama, orders the troops to head back home, even in Iraq.

***Camera zooms back to Ravi BeLegere’s face***

asTe veekshakare, good night, shubha ratri, bye bye

Padma Awards

2009-01-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

Now, Helen, Aishwarya Rai and Akshay Kumar have all been deemed fit to win Padma awards (which by the way is 4th in hierarchy of Indian civilian awards), so yours truly decided to compile a list of possible future winners. If someone would forward this to Amar Singh, it would save lots of efforts to a lots of people

Mallika Sherawat: If Helen could win it by swinging to "Mehabooba Mehabooba, Mehabooba.. ooooooo ooo" why not Mallika? After all she is a pioneer, being one of the foremost "bold" girls of 21st century, and she too has jived for the same song.. mehabooba booba.. meha.. err. But, apart from her immense contribution to the body of art (or is it "body" to art? :D), she should win it solely on the basis of her astounding ability to share screen space with Himesh Reshamaiya, yes the same guy who can make life miserable to.. err even skunks. (Apparently she charged 1.5cr for a 10min role - and thats like doing a social service, i've met people on streets who refused offers worth 10cr). Thank You Mallika.

Ameesha Patel: Long time back, some one came up with the "Ameiesha Patel theory" (nevermind the "e" and the "i"s in her name, that depends on her mood that day). This is an old rule of thumb that has never, ever steered anybody wrong: Any film with Amisha Patel in it — even if somebody who shares her second name and is in the movie — is automatically patently unwatchable. Now, how many actors do a favor? That most movies that come out of Bollywood is crappy, Ameeeesha saves us precious bread. Its like an statement - "Im acting in the movie dont watch it, its that bad" And in these tough times, recession and all, her choice of movies makes economic sense to masses. Thank You Amesha, and keep rocking in those besottedly tiny cloths. We promise to watch all your songs on dvd's.

Raja Bhaiyya: ///thunderstorms are heard at a distance, lightning strikes a tree down/// Imagine a bozo who uses a dupe to jump buildings, Imagine a cuckoo doing skydiving with no parachute, well with CGI anyways, Imagine a twat who does a show on challenging hot women to do things he wouldn't do, Imagine a pussy who claims to have domesticated crocodiles showing us ones in the zoo. Alright, too much of Akshay Kumar. Now Imagine a guy does most of the things faked by Akshay for real! Who breeds crocs in his swimming pool, who pushes people out of cliffs and what not! He deserves it. Period.

kannaDa chitrageethegaLu - swalpa spicy, swalpa thikklu

2009-01-30T06:52:00.000-08:00

estondu dina admele ondu blog posstu, yaaru kaitha irlilla gottu, aadre sumne opening line bekalla :D

kannaDada aithiratha maharatha kategaararu, kavanagaara kshame irali

worrrrest lyrics in kannada haaDugaLu - a compilationnu

chitra: sixer (prajwal devraj)
haaDu: thippgunDanahaLLi neeru kaali aitho, adakke naanenu, neenenu maDokagutto?

alla, saar beLigge toilet alli nalli neeru ninthoitu antha intha haaDa bareyodu?

chitra: saarvabhouma (shivaNNa)
haaDu: kaL nan magand ee prema, suLL nan magand ee prema

saar, idu nam actress prema bagge na? "om" alli prema nimge kai yettid feelingu innu hogilva saar?

chitra: saarvabhouma again
haaDu: fishhu.. selfisshhu... neere illade eejaballa doDDa fisshu yavudu? selfishhu, selfisshu, ole ole ole selfishhu selfisshu

nija saar, ole ole ole ole fisshu fisshu nija nija

chitra: dreams (vasu)
haaDu: mysooru rasagulla.... kacchhalene ninna galla? ahhh eee

rasika... rasika.. ravichandran university inda pass agirabeku kaLLa:D

chitra: aham premasmi (crazy star's)
haaDu: streelinga.. ahhh pullinga.. ahh. agaanga... pallanga

ha.. no comments no comments.. ravi's magic

chitra: boyfriend (gottilla swami)
haaDu: ninna colur swalpa kodthiya ...taj mahal ge paint mada beku
nin pigure zerox madkodthiya ..aishwarya rai ge hotte hurisabeku

kajra re kajra re.. hoTTe hoTTe hoTTe kannambaaDi kaTTe.. kaale kaale naina

chitra: daasa (darshan)
haaDu: "Kullka beda Kullka beda sillku..
ninu kullkokkmunche yakant heli kullku ...."

sheik (shake) abdullah

chitra: road romeo (gottilla swami, aadreo heroine ashitha (MCC productu)
haaDu: kannalle maaDuthiya murder
neenu yedurige bandare darr darr
nanage ninna darr, ninage nanna darr
preeti andre idena wonder?

idonthara y-generation ge national integration song iddahange. kannaDa, hindi and engleesh yella mixedu

chitra: xcuseme (prem's)
haaDu: roadgiLi radhika, thinDi maaDe chandrika

namma ex cm kumaranna favorite haaDu

chitra: news (uppi)
haaDu: naanu jeetendra, neenu siridevi, drill danceu maaDona baa

nam peeTappana favorite haaDu, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 peeTappanige munde yeNisoke barthirlilla :D

konege, ee premigaLige irabarade feather? doora haarabahudittu together :D
nimage bere thiLididre comments alli haaki, aaD maaDuthini

The Modern Art of Self-Defence for Women

2008-04-01T16:19:00.001-07:00

The following videos are for educational purposes only. The author is not responsible for rise in violence against men directly or indirectly. Rated R for strong graphic violence and drug use, pervasive strong language and some sexuality

Time after Time, from Long Long ago, so long ago, nobody can say how long ago, man has not been able to fully protect woman from aunty-social elements. Cries like, Bhagwan mujhe bachaalo have sometimes worked. For eg:

Actress getting raped: Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chhodd do.

(Bhagwan: wow! no wanking today)

But most times it’s fallen on deaf ears if the villain is like Shakti Kapoor.

Girl :- Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chhod do !

Shakti Kapoor :- Uske liye chhod doon toh main kya Laddoo khaon !

To protect women form such kuttes , kameenes and bevarsi ke betes, I am posting videos that show desi-women power. a la Quentin Tarantino istyle.

It’s the usual day at work for our gang of mallu kuttes. They are very punctual and start of early morning eve teasing. The lead Actor exhibits exemplary chivalry in persuading the lead Actress into ignoring their ranting. But But But..

Move 1: @1.01 mins : Dodge and break leg

Move2:@1.20 mins: She uses the “Stunner”, now made famous by Stone Cold Steve Austin

Move3: @1.23 mins: Now is that the “Tiger Claw”? Tarantino might run into copyright trouble here.

Move4: @1.33 mins: Kane, you bloody copy cat!

Move5: @1.45 mins: The Rock, do something original you scumbag!

Move6: The final kick.

There are lots of educational videos women folk can make use of in youtube.

Now, the below video is what I call the intelligent fight scene. Watch it till the end, how the ladies coax goons into submission

Worry, IPL and Royal Challengers

2008-03-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Chethana and Vijetha are a worried lot. No it’s not because Indian Parliament is yet to pass the 33% reservation bill or because the balls-less Indian government forced Tasleema Nasreen out of country. It’s not even because of recent rise in crimes on women in Bengaluru. If you are Manohar or a cricket illiterate wondering who these two women were, they are wives of Rahul Dravid and Anil Kumble respectively.

**********************************************************************************

Scene: An up-market palatial bungalow-apartment

(wakes up breathing heavily… sweating .. drenched... turns around.. looks at his watch.. its 3PM in the afternoon)

Me: Damn it! Power cut! Dunno what happened to 24hrs power supply-guarantee these builders give you. You never get what you pay for.

**********************************************************************************

Now, why are they worried? Is it because of the hectic schedule of cricket and now this Indian Premier League adds on to it. I always thought Dravid gets enough rest while he is batting, considering he used to take 20 balls to get out of mark. Critics be dammed, Dravid has to take care of his body!. And Kumble, even after serving Indian cricket for such a long time, was still not sure of his place until he was made the scapegoat (Captain). It’s a different matter that he has performed extremely well in whatever role that’s thrown at him.

**********************************************************************************

(walks up to the refrigerator to grab a juice bottle. Finds out its empty)

Me: aaaaah! This is it. It accumulates. This is the last thing I needed on a hot day. Man, things are so smart nowadays! Why can’t they design a refrigerator which keeps tab on empty things and reminds us every now and then?

(eyes move towards the photo on the wall). Sighs!

Me: Those were the days!

**********************************************************************************

Or is the money? Do they think that multi-million dollar deals will distract them away from the main objective of playing for their country? Will they retire from International cricket eyeing longevity in IPL? Considering our test team is still raw, we need Kumble’s able leadership and Dravids rest-taking-ability-while-batting in test cricket.

**********************************************************************************

Taaaaaaan taaaaaaaaaaan, sound is heard near the bathroom, I run along.

**********************************************************************************

No! none of the above! its 44 days of Vijay Mallya’s company! Picture this:

Air Travel in Kingfisher Airlines with damsels on board + Beer!!!! Yippppppppppppe! + cruise on a yatch + Money.

I bet Bangalore Royal Challengers will be the only team with scantily clad cheerleaders. And heck, they are getting paid for this! I would have paid Vijay Mallya to be the drinks boy for this team! I bet this mega package will put Sri Ramachandra in a spot of bother :).

**********************************************************************************

Oh yeah, my mind wanders away into utter nonsense and I end things abruptly too, ala Oscar winning movies :)

Red Hot RED-CHADDI

2008-03-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Rated R for strong graphic violence and drug use, pervasive strong language and some sexuality.

Kitta: Rakesh.. Rakesh.. Rakesh..
(for some strange reason, Kitta believes that door bell is a show piece :))

(Uncle next door rams his car to the nearby tree while Aunty is shell shocked, her kids don’t know how to react as they have never seen such a “scene” before!)

Me: eno maga hegdiya?
Kitta: super maga, olle mood alli iddini
Me: maga, neen eno hakodu marethilva?
Kitta: idella latest fashion, ninge artha agolla

Girl next door’s Dad to the Girl next door (naah, she is not a Elisha Cuthbert look alike. If she was, I would have banned all my friends from entering my street): Whats all this commotion outside?
GND: Dad, it’s the same guy with tiny shorts.
GND’s Dad: My God, come inside, call ur mom inside and instructs his son to go get the granny who is in the balcony.

Now I realize why there was a curfew at my street whenever Kitta came to my place.

Me: andru idu swalpa chikkadu ansalva?
Kitta: This is Weekender, 800 Rs!

(Now I get it, smaller, the pricier. Victoria Secret makes millions out of a meter length cloth)

Kitta: again, idella ninge artha golla bidu, high-level stuff. ..

high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. …

I am having a flashback :)

Some 4yrs, 1 month, 12 days, 2hrs and 14 seconds earlier:

A young, tall, lean guy is playing volleyball in a corner, alone.

Pradeep: aye, hosa huduganna iddane, Santosh anta, aatakke seriskolli
Me: en chennagi aadthana?
Pradeep: ha.. volleyball hodithane

Me: hey eno, obbane adtha idya?
Santosh (he wasn’t Kitta then :)): nan Canada li anna helda, obbane aadidre ne chennagi adodu anta..!

high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. …

After a week:

I meet Santosh neat Vishnu Medicals.

Santosh: hey baaro, manege drop haakthini
Me: hey illa, nan mane ille hatra ide
Santosh: parvagilla baaro
Me: k

Santosh takes a right and left and reaches his place, from there he drives to my place. I couldn’t resist asking him as I thought he is heading to his place probably for something else.

Me: lo ****u, straight bandidre namm mane siktha ittallo..
Santosh: lo ****u, adu ninge gottu, nange gottilla!

high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. …

After 3yrs:

Kitta: maamz, ivattu Greenland bar ge bandbidamma..
Me: sari, what time?
Kitta: Sharp 8.30PM
Me: sari

Time: 8.30PM, same day
Me and Pradeep are waiting from 8.30, while Kitta turns up at 9PM

Me: loafer, 8.30 ge baroke heli 9 ge barthiya?
Kitta: adu nan watch alli hellido goobe, nodu nan watch alli innu 8.27PM

high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. high-level stuff.. …

scene: Women folk next door are blinded and escorted inside a car, back to where we started

My 5yr old cousin Ajay comes running:

Me: Ajay, annange Hi helu,
Ajay:
Me: helu
Ajay: anna, pant-e-hakilla!

I had a hard time convincing Ajay later that those were indeed legal.

Sapphire Gentlemen Club - The Inside Story!

2008-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

All characters and events in this blog – even those based on real people are entirely rakeshional (fictional). All participants actions are impersonated…….. poorly. The following write-up contains strong adult content and coarse language. Under-aged readers and Rajesh must leave immediately and login back with proper age proof, if not fake one would do. (It pays to carry your passport all the time)

*1.30 AM – 01-03-2008*

(Ting Ting.. something falls of the van onto the road)

Manu: Brakes have snapped out!

Me: What the f**k!
(commotion inside the van, hey.. hey)

Srikanth:
(peaceful)

Manu: I shall pull over to that parking lot
(Somehow maneuvers the huge truck to a corner and calls up the rental company to arrange for a tow)

Everyone: Now, we will not be able to go there. (disappointed)

(Earlier in the day)

Everyone: We must do the real thing in Vegas.

Everyone: Yes, we must. We’ll check them out tonight.

*12.30 AM*

We all head towards the destination sans the ladies and the Guardian. Reach the “Sapphire Gentlemen’s Club”, the biggest “Gentlemen’s Club” on this planet in 10 mins!

Everyone: This is it!

Bouncer: May I see your ID’s please.

(Everyone show their ID’s)

Rajesh: I don’t have one. I find it imbecile to carry an ID card.

Bouncer: I am sorry you cannot enter.

Rajesh: I can prove through carbon dating on the tip of the 4^th hair of my hand that I am 24yrs old.

(Bouncer stares at him. He is about to gobble up Rajesh.)

Rajesh: All right, by observing the planetary formation outside, I can tell you the exact formation 23yrs ago. I started to observe planetary formation when I was 1yr old. Actually 11 months and 28 days, but 1yr would be a good approximation.

Bouncer: One more word from your mouth and I swear I’ll stick your teeth right into your brain

Rajesh: heh?

Bouncer: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

(rewind: 1 min)

Bouncer: One more word from your mouth and I swear I’ll stick your teeth into your brain.

(We all drag Rajesh before the Bouncer can act and head back to hotel to grab Rajesh’s ID card and then start towards Sapphire.)

(Ting Ting.. something falls of the van onto the road)

Manu: Breaks have snapped out!

……………………………………………………

Everyone: Now, we will not be able to go there.

Priyananda: Hey look there, there is one close by.

(Not to the extent of Sapphire, but something is better than nothing. We all walk up the club.)

Bouncer: Sorry boys, no girls here! But I can drop you of at the Sapphire

Everyone: That would be great!

*2.30 AM – Sapphire – 01-03-2008*

(Rajesh is finally allowed to enter, but not before the bouncer whom Rajesh pissed off was tied to the pole nearby to control him. Last heard of him was that he tore all his hair out is into carbon dating.)

(All settle in comfortably)

Jenny: Hi honey, how are u doin?

Manu: Great! How are u?

Jenny: same here! Wer r u from?

Manu: some place! You?

Jenny: are u comfortable?

Manu: Wud be more if you sat beside me.

(Chit chat for a while)

Jenny: you wanna some fun?

Manu: No hun, let me finish of a drink or two

Jenny: Cheapskate. Hmph! gets up and walks away

Purple: you doin good handsome?

Srikanth: (No emotions)

Purple: are you ok hun?

Srikanth: Asathoma Sadgamaya. Tamasoma Jyothirgamaya.

(Last heard was that purple gave up glossy life and now is in himalayas leading a life full of austere)

Violet: wassup? How are u doin today?

Me: (smile)

Violet: do you want to play?

Priyananda (raising his hand): here… here.. here.. I want to play. Please come here…

Sheryl: you look dreamy handsome.

Rajesh: did I come in your dreams?

Sheryl: no… u know….

Rajesh: I was thinking about time complexity involved in 8^th order Undirected Path Problems in Log-Space using Pseudorandom Generators. Do you know…. know that….. if Shrek is the third son of Gandalf, why is he green?

Sheryl: WEIRDO.

(We all head back to the hotel)

All in all, it was a memorable experience. An Awesome Holiday. They must vote the Bellagio water fountain as the 8^th wonder of the world. So should be Sapphire :) or the entire Las Vegas!.

Long Long Ago!

2007-10-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to reminisce an incident happened long long ago, so long ago, nobody knows how long ago. (staple diet of Jaggesh movies, a jaggesh movie, every week :))

Scene: Cricket match, **** Comp Sci juniors Vs Mech seniors

<< Flashback Begins <<

Comp Sci Captain: So, all of you are here to play for Comp Sci team.
All: yes

Captain: Lets start the team selection (Goes ahead and starts picking the team. Actually only 7 turned up, while 12 were needed)

Captain: How do all play cricket? Why should I select you?
All: Blah blah blah.....

Cricket ball rolls out of the captains hand

(A distant voice, picking up the ball and in Lagaan Style) : Agar gendh pehunko, tho teeno lakadiyanki thechhiyan udadun, agar gendh kelun, to gendh nu cheer ke rakh du.

A thin young, lean, tall man enters with GOOGLES (Dark ones like Sachin's), flips the googles back and smiles.

(Thunderstorms are heard ..ddddduuuuuunnnnnnnnnn tisssssssssssssssssssssh tissssssssssssssh).
whistles all over: weeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeee weeeee weeeeeeeeee

Finally the team is selected (they are short of 5 people) Later that evening, somehow 5 more people are convinced to join the team.

Early Next morning the team is registered (only 7 of them contribute for the fees) and a tough draw is handed over to our friends. Mechanical seniors!

>> Flashback Ends >>

Our captain wins the toss and turns towards to our Hero. Hero signals him to take batting and adjusts his GOGGLES.

Captain goes back to his team and asks who want to open. Lull. Lull. 2 mins later, as nobody volunteers, our hero steps forward to face the fearsome 7ft tall fast bowler form Mech dept. There is a folklore that after the match, the big oaf eats his rivals for dinner.

Non-striker is somehow convinced to enter pitch

tantan du tan dan dan tan...
dud dud.. dud dud... (heart beats)

Hero takes gaurd, walks up to the middle of the pitch and gives and gives the tall lad a hard look through his GOGGLES. flips back his GOGGLES again. Complains to the umpire about the disturbance in the back ground and again removes his dark GOOGLES and wears it again.

Bowler starts his run-up
Hero: dud dud DUD DUD DUD DUD DUD (Heart beats)

Bowler is about to bowl....... hero walks away from stumps!!! Bowler gives him a 'sisterly' complement. Hero complains about disturbance!....

Bowler starts his run up again, our hero adjusts his GOGGLES, bowler delivers, hero swings, and its a top edge, (ball touches stratosphere, before coming down) and bowler takes a simple catch! our hero is out the first ball!

Disgusted, as he feels he let his team down, Hero throws the Bat right in middle of the pitch and walks away, adjusting his GOGGLES.

Bowler: oye, *** ******** ****** muchkondu Bat sarige ittu hogo
English: ( oye,*** ******** ****** close and Bat properly keep it ) -- Pardon, direct translation

Hero walks back, adjusts his GOGGLES and does what was 'requested'

Americans n Time Sense

2007-08-31T16:14:00.000-07:00

Me: Dudd duddd....
dud.. dud.. open up

Voice from inside: 3mins..
Me: Open up idiot..

Voice from inside: wait na..
Me: hey, its already 8.40AM!

Viswa: Kya yaar, kya kar rahan hain ander? why are you taking it so long?
Me: yes, we still are 2 guys outside and its already late.

Voice from inside: aummmmm... mrrrrggggggghhhh.. arrrrrrggggghhh..

Well, we were on a "subway" and "mcdonald" diet from two days. Its not that the guys at the place where we temp stayed did not cook, its just that they believed that we do not eat food for some strange reason and offered everything to the members of the fairer sex who temp stayed in the first floor. There was one guy in particular who was used as a Walmart cart. I mean, he had a car and used to drive every girl in the locality to Walmart. Someone told me, that Walmart folks, seeing his regularity even stuck a sticker on his car. "Walmart Express Service" . He also used to load and unload stuff. Direct into the home.

Our burger diet should answer for the weird sound patterns above. We actually never knew that human body can make such sounds. Thanks to those infinite burgers and submarines and Srirams body

(after 6 solid mins. During these times, every second seems like a thousand years)

Sriram: Sorry guys, was held up a bit.
Me: Yeah, we could hear that!

Time: 8:46 AM

Viswa checks in and checks out real quick. Real smooth.

Time: 8.52 AM

Enter the Dragon. Exit the Dragon } Me :)

Time: 8.57 AM

No, this is not for the class, nor do we have to catch the bus. This is for.....

read in slow motion>>>>

Ammmmmy's!

where breakfast is served for 99c before 9'O clock in the mornings! Two toasts, two eggs and a curry, all for less than a dollar! Hmmmm.. heaven is just 700 meters away.

dud dud... (heart beat)
Time: 8.58AM

Haan yehi rasta hai tera, tune ab jaana hai
Haan yehi sapna hai tera, tune pehchaana hai
Tujhe ab ye dikhaana haiRoke tujhko aandhiyaan, ya zameen aur aasmaan
Paayega jo lakshya hai tera
Lakshya toh har haal mein paana hai :)

dud dud.. make a dash..

dud dud (heart beats again)...

Time: 9.01 AM
Place: Amy's
Breakfast Menu: Eggs toast and curry
Price: $2.99!

Banging on the door-6 secs, Forcing people out-1min, Getting ready-5mins, The look on Amy's face at 9.01AM-Hopeless. There are somethings money cant buy, for the rest I dont have money.

I still blame myself for not jogging during my last days in India! I would have saved couple of bucks and would have lost weight too.

Maiden FlighT - Thank You

2007-08-29T16:56:00.000-07:00

Plane lands in Newark Airport.

Airport lady: Are you Srilankan?
Me: Who?
Lady: You.

Muahahaaahaah.. muhaaahahahaha. <<loud laughs around>> Courtesy: Pradeep and Co.

I know, I should have landed in JFK airport where George Bush was waiting for me. I shouldn't have tried to surprise him.

Rewind: 26hrs earlier

Jet Staff: Sir, You are allowed to carry 23Kg*3 and one hand luggage and not 30Kg each
Pradeep: I am student. So pls...
Jet Staff: Rules are rules.
Pradeep: I am a student from AP, :)

Vaaaaaaan Vaaaaaaaaan Vaaaaaaaaan .. trrrrrrrrrrr.. trrrrrrrrrrrrr <siren>

Pradeep: Haan.. Ok Ok .. cool it... I shall remove it. <In Nagarjuna style>

>>10 mins>>

(Pradeep had used Nylon thread of 2 cm in diameters to secure his belongings. Had to get a Saw to cut them and open his luggage and remove "excess" weight)

A distant Voice: Chappundi yarrundi pickleundi, chakklindi, kodbalendi, chutnipudidu naa removedu.
Pradeep: ha. (Removes shirts, pants, books! But keeps the infinte number of pickle bottles safely)

Pradeep: I have removed excess weight from two bags and have lost 14 kgs.
Staff: You should do that from the third one too.
Pradeep: As you see, I hope you can understand, uchhhhh... You know I have discounted about 15% of my original weight and I believe you should allow me to check in.
(Staff moves quickly towards the siren button)

Pradeep: Ok.. Ok.. (Out goes Tannenbaum and Cloths. Chakkali packet is Intact).

Finally, Pradeep is allowed to board in. I really don't know what the security did for 20mins in privacy with him. But was allowed.

It was my first time, so was an exhilarating experience. It was Jet's second trip to US, so the service was fantastic. Time just flew with JD (John Daniels for me :)) and personalized entertainment.

>>15hrs later>> (Newark Airport. Gate 97)

Final boarding call for Flight CO2723, Newark to Buffalo
Me: snore.. snore... (Jet lag.. u see)

Caught the next flight to buffalo, by enacting the "student" thing.

<<28hrs<< (Bangalore Airport)

Kitta: ..hey alo.. pls alo.. attibido

Thanks for everyone for coming and making it a memorable day.